Personal essays
Remarks from my mom’s 90th birthday celebration
Counting
My mom taught first and second grade for many years at Eastwood school. I went to first and second grade there nearly sixty years ago.
She took over a classroom from a teacher who took time off to have and raise a baby. One of the first things she changed was the way in which her students added.
If they had to add three and four, they had been taught to first show three fingers on one hand and then touch their nose with additional fingers four times and then count the total number of fingers to get….
I’ll wait…
That’s right, seven.
In fourth grade at Prospect school on the other side of town, we used flat cut outs of red wooden men on stands with hats that said “ones”, “tens”, and “hundreds” and used close pins on their hands to represent fingers. Each finger on the “tens” man represented 10.
Today we’re celebrating my mother’s ninetieth birthday.
So that would be how many fingers on the “tens” man?
I’ll wait…
That’s right, nine.
Now, for those who are really good at math, you may notice that we wouldn’t really add this tenth finger to the tens place. Instead, we trade in all of those ten tens for a single finger on the “hundreds man”.
If I ever make it to one hundred, I know which finger that will be.
Looking back
The first two family events that Kim attended were my dad and mom’s sixtieth birthday parties at the Baumann’s house.
My dad’s was in January and my mom’s was in June. This would be how many years ago?
I realize I haven’t described subtraction, and I don’t want to call out my mom’s youngest grandchild, but he has just graduated from high school and is on his way to college at Wisconsin, 90 - 60 is…
thirty years ago.
It’s easy for me to remember as Kim and I would have been married thirty years this August. We got engaged sometime between dad’s sixtieth and mom’s.
I was a bit worried that she’d accept my proposal after our many visits to my parents. Even at his birthday party we heard mom say Kim’s favorite phrase, “Jesus Ira, you’re looped to the gills.”
I was in my thirties and remember thinking, “maybe 60 isn’t as old as I thought it was” in the same way that today I look at mom and think the same about 90.
Early memories
I don’t remember mom’s mother. Edith died when I was two and I don’t have many real memories of her. Only the stories I’ve been told and the pictures I’ve seen.
Mom’s dad, Max, came to live with us at the end of his life. I’m not sure this is a true memory, but I remember him dying peacefully in a chair in our house on Elm street when I was six.
I think that tells you a lot about my mother. That she brought her father to live and die with us surrounded by his only family. That’s a gift.
My first real memory was a couple of years before my maternal grandmother died.
My dad drove my sister Jill and me to Allen hospital meet our new baby brother. Kids weren’t allowed in the hospital so he drove us around to the side, we parked in the Crane pool parking lot, and walked over to the room my mother was staying in.
My dad alternately lifted Jill and me up to the window to see mom holding Ethan.
Ethan is about to turn sixty. Looking at him, I’ve reconsidered. Maybe 60 is as old as I thought it was.
Favorite child
It was an open secret in my family that Ethan was my mother’s favorite child.
I’m not saying it’s unearned - I’m just saying it’s true.
Ethan retained this position until I got engaged to Kim. At that point she was mom’s favorite child and the rest of us moved down a rung.
Mom liked Kim enough to let me give Kim my grandmother’s engagement ring. A ring that mom told me her father had saved for for years and was very valuable.
When I say that Kim was mom’s favorite, I have proof. Before we were married, mom took Kim aside and told her that if things didn’t end up working out with me, she could keep the ring.
We had the ring appraised and cleaned and were told that it was valuable.
As for how my grandfather had saved and saved…
We used to visit my mom’s aunt Eunice at her apartment in Brookline.
While she was able, we would take her out for sea food.
She would always order the same thing “steamers with big bellies.”
I would then quietly follow the waiter and say, “that’s not what she wants. Can you please bring her the fried clam plate.”
Sure enough, when our meals would come she would dig in with gusto. And then she’d look over at Kim’s meal - which was steamers - and say, “that looks disgusting.”
Anyway, Kim showed Eunice the ring and told her it had been Ediths. She loved that Max had saved for years to afford it.
Eunice laughed and said, “That’s sweet, but that’s not what happened. Max won it at a poker game.”
A bit more
Thanks to Jill, Ethan, and Rona for putting this together. They did all of the work and then were kind enough to invite me. I usually don’t go to gatherings like this. Definitely not if I’m the center of attention. We had a small party for my thirtieth and nothing for my fortieth, fiftieth, or sixtieth.
Again, I’m reconsidering.
It’s so much nicer to be able to share stories at a birthday party than at a memorial. I’m glad that mom is still with us at 90 and that we can take the time to celebrate that.
I got so much from my mom.
Although I carry myself like my dad and have many of his mannerisms, my face is very much my mom’s face.
My laugh comes easily and is a bit too loud - just as I remember my mothers.
When I was young she took me to art museums, interesting buildings in interesting cities, and to the theater.
Oberlin had a Gilbert and Sullivan society that regularly performed. Mom had a big book with containing the summaries of all of their operettas along with the hits from each one. She’d have me read the summary before we went to see a show.
We saw Shakespeare in England - the plays not the man himself - and it changed my life. The words were spoken with understanding and meaning and came alive.
She and my dad traveled a lot and saw a ton of museums and shows. When I prepare to go somewhere she tells me about something I should see and has strong memories of being there and tasting this or seeing that.
I think I’ve passed a lot of those passions on to Maggie - who is my favorite person to travel with.
Maggie has given me many gifts - one of them was allowing me to see my mother as a grandmother.
Happy Birthday, mom.
Maybe 90 isn’t as old as I thought it was.
Essay from Dim Sum Thinking Newsletter 168. Read the rest of the Newsletter or subscribe